Season of Change

1. Ecclesiastes 3
   There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, ...

I can say that, without a doubt, I am in a season of change and of new beginnings. I have been in this season since moving from Oklahoma City (where I had lived for two years, in case you are just now tuning into my life) back home...with my parents...in Conway, Arkansas. That was this past August. Which was almost a year ago. Wow.

Anyway, it hasn't been easy. At all. So much has happened. It has been a time of constant transition. And I am not sure I handled it as gracefully as I should have. I know I didn't do it as gracefully as I wanted to but then again I have high expectations for myself. You could say that it was the beginning of my trip off Mountain MCOKC to the Valley of Starting Over.

First, there was the adjustment to living back at home with my parents. Yay!.... lol. No, I am thankful for this most of the time. But often I am hitting up against a wall. The wall of Adulthood. I am 24 years old, and have lived on my own. I have lived in a completely different state than my family, had a completely separate life from my family. I have bills that I pay (God always provides) and have had 'adult experiences'. I am, in most people's eyes, an adult. However, I am, and always will be, my parent's child. I am in their home and they still take care of me in some ways. I do carry my weight around the house, and do my share and more to keep up with the responsibility of the home. I do not consider myself a 'free loader' and neither do my parents. Yet, there are still times where that line of child/adult gets blurred. Usually, when butting heads against my mom. But I love her. I know she loves me. But its still an adjustment for all involved.

Second, there is the reinsertion back into my Church. Having been away for pretty much three years, ( I didn't go all that much the year before MCs due to college and a case of apathy) it was not the church I remembered. Staple people in my life from that church were now no longer a part of the church. God had called them away for His reasons. New people had been called into the body. People who were still there that I knew had changed quite a bit in the years I had been gone. So, in essence, it was like entering a new church. Because, in reality, I had changed quite a bit as well. I am not the same woman I was when I left Victory to go to MCOKC. And people didn't always realize that. I came up against the very expectations I was warned about. However, the Lord gives grace. :) I had a vision of what the Lord expected from me now. And so I met with Pastor Paul and Pastor Robbie. I wanted to serve the church and wanted to carry on their vision, especially the Generational Transfer part. After all, the congregation supported me in going to MCs so I wanted to give back all that I had learned. We talked and things seemed like it would go well.
However, it did not. Doors just did not open like I expected. So I dealt with it. I prayed, I waited. I sought the Lord and counsel from others in my circle. I was blessed in a having a relationship with a very dear man, Rick Cramer, who was doing the Sunday School for teens and young adults. He really blessed me both in encouragement and finances to open up prophetic art. Where there were no funds, he donated. It really blessed me and he has forever touched a tender place in my heart. Still, I was restless.

Ultimately, what it came down to was that God was preparing me for a bigger change. If all the doors I wanted to open had opened I would not have been in a position to open the door he was about to open for my whole family. Dad called a family meeting so to speak. Which is very rare in my family. He opened his heart about how he felt God calling us to a new church body. He asked us to pray with him about this and to seek God. So for a couple of weeks we did. It all fell into place. The Lord was calling us away from Victory Fellowship. It was bittersweet. Victory Fellowship is a dear family of mine. It was my first home church. It really opened my eyes to deeper levels of intimacy with the Lord and different facets of my life. It was where I began to blossom. But just like I had to move to a different garden for a season to do MCs, I was now switching gardens again to go to a different church. I will always love the people of Victory. And I believe I am still in covenant with the people of Victory. The verse that God finally had to show me to help me make the switch was Luke 14:26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple."  Now, this does not mean I'm supposed to hate Victory and its congregation. But it means I have to put God and his leadings ahead of what I want, or others expect of me. It was hard. I can't explain how hard.

So the third major transition is a new church! New Life Church in Conway is our new place of ministry. And the Lord has given me and my family a love for the ministry and it's people. God definitely gave us grace and favor. It is a breath of fresh air. It is where we belong for this season. And we have been with NLC since the Sunday after Easter. My brother, who has been with the church since he joined Cadre two year ago, is a vital  part of their Cadre program and the major transition that it is going through. My mom has already started working with the Little Life program, (for infants to five year olds) helping with their worship service part. And I have been given a paid position to run Blends, their coffee house. I just started training today. And it has definitely opened me up to get to know the people I am going to need to know. I feel like I have an inkling of why I am at New Life. But it will be a joy to watch God's plan unfold as he clicks things into place.

The fourth transition was my job situation. To me it was a small transition but sometimes the way other people handled it was stressful. I started working at the daycare that my mom works at. It was a nice job, nice pay, nice benefits and I loved what I did. However, it started to play on my heartstrings a lot! There were a lot of stress factors that began to build up and eventually I got the okay from the Lord and my parents to quit that job. It took a while but I found a temp job with a temp agency. But it was hard on my eyes, it triggered lots of migraines and in the end I was just not keeping up with their expectations and quotas. So I was let go. Grace was given to me for that, I was actually relieved! But then came the stress of trying to find another job. Most the time, I was able to handle it. I knew God has his reason, his plans were in the works. It was a game of do what I feel I need to and...wait. I only had one big bill, my brother's car payment and I had already taken care of it. It was paid off before I got let go. The other bills which were my phone bill and driver's insurance were smaller and my parents helped out and was able to babysit here and there. Now, I have a part time job with the church and it will take care of those small bills plus be enough to take care of my personal expenses. I may or may not try to get another part time job in the evenings if I feel I can handle it. But for now, I'm adjusting to the current routine.

I do believe this is the beginning of the ascent up out of this current Valley and onto another Mountain. Their may be a few more Valleys on the way but the Lord is with me, leading me step by step. And that's all I need.

Pretty Is Not Enough

Pretty is not enough.... So the new Bare Escentuals commercial got me thinking. The slogan says “Pretty is what you are, Beauty is what you do with it.” I was curious about that statement and captured by it. I asked the Lord why? It sounds weird and like its telling people that who they are isn’t enough. So then I researched the slogan and the company. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/02/business/media/for-bare-escentuals-pretty-isnt-good-enough.html?pagewanted=all That’s the link I read. It tells of how they picked the models for the campaign, not on what they looked like but on personality based questions the models had to answer. The company never even saw the models they picked until they were getting ready to shoot the campaign ads.They wanted to make sure they had role models not just models. One they picked was a volunteer firefighter and another was a mother of three who played basketball and rode a motorcyle. They wanted real women who did real things. They also did not retouch the models. They left in every wrinkle and imperfection that might be seen as bad, but because it spoke of their life lived, they called it beauty. ” “We can all be pretty, but beauty is an action,” said Leslie Blodgett, the executive chairman of Bare Escentuals. “Hopefully it’s a rally cry for ‘Don’t just be pretty and sit there and get your picture taken and do nothing.’ ” And this got me thinking about the Kingdom of God. God made us special people, he gifted us and we are his sons and daughters. We ARE. But most of us sit around and do nothing. We sit in our churches and listen but then go home unchanged. We blame everyone else for why nothing radical is happening but we don’t realize that it is up to us to live radically to see radical things. So I’m encouraged. A son or daughter is what we are. But we must do something with it. We must put it into action, we must live it out. I don’t think Bare Escentuals intended to cause that kind of thinking but I know I thank God for that little nugget of truth at the most random time.

By the word of their testimony

So here are a couple of testimonies I had to write about Tour this year and the trip to Costa Rica. Later when I have more time I shall write more about my experience in MCs this year and try to include the bigger lessons I've learned along with the few mentioned in the following paragraphs. Enjoy~


"Last year during tour I had to deal with my knees going out on me and I learned how to let the Lord pull me into him and use his strength. This year going into tour I had 12 pinched nerves. I couldn’t understand why the Lord was letting this happen to me again right before tour. But through all the confusion and hurt, I once again relied on the Lord. His grace on me knows no bounds and I believe he took me to a different level of relying upon him. There is no way I did any amount of dancing of my own accord. Every move I made happened because of Christ living in me and having grace on my body. Through the pain and tears I was able to see the Lord’s hand in everything. Lives were touched through the dances and I can’t take any of the credit which is how it should be. Because of this, ALL of the Glory had to go to the Lord. There was no saving any of it for myself, I couldn’t claim anything. It was cool to see that people were responding to the God in me, instead of just a cool move I’d learned to do.

Costa Rica was a different experience than tour in drastically different ways and I cannot really compare the two and do justice to either. I still had pain but had learned to push past it with the Grace of God. It was easier to allow myself to be swallowed by His Grace in order to move which left me able to focus more on people. And they were desperate. The people of Costa Rica left such an impression on me that I felt convicted. Here these people were, running to the Lord for any type of prayer they could get. Several people on several occasions had no complaint or purpose for asking for prayer other than the soul reason of seeking an encounter with God. Do we do that here in America? I know I don’t. Normally it takes a moving of the Lord to get me to go up for prayer…or for that matter, it takes someone coming and getting me! How I want to be that desperate! To be a sponge that will soak up any drop of water someone decides to let drip. They were truly precious and I know the Lord had encounters with those people. How do I know? Because they were desperate for one and kept seeking until they got it."

AHHH! Are you for real???

WOAH. Today we leave for Costa Rica! I still can't believe it. I'm up and packed and got passport in hand (so to speak) but I still don't believe it. Someone pinch me! It seems like we just got back from tour and now we are off again on one of the greatest adventures of our life. Lord, I know you will provide a great outpouring of your anointing and spirit.

I'm excited...really excited. A little nervous. I'm kinda lacking in the Spanish department, though I have to admit Jessica Camenisch is a great teacher and I've learned loads in one week. I'll be staying with host homes that don't really know english. Talk about out of comfort zone. But it will be great because I have to totally depend on the Lord. Jesus hold me cause I'm freaking out...in a good way.

Ariana and Moises...here we come!

By the Word of the Lord...

We will demolish every evil thought that tells us we are worthless. We shout and proclaim that in Jesus Christ we are priceless- we do matter in this world.
(2 Cor 10:5)

We declare the tearing down of the false idols Baal and Asherah. No longer will we give our children as sacrifices to Molech.

We are crying out for those whose voices are being silenced. There is hope for the unborn and it shall not be cut off.
(Prov 23:18 & Prov 31:8)

The womb is intended for God's creative action of life, not man's destructive action of death.

We are ambassadors of Reconciliation and declare that Love is long suffering. So be strong, be brave and don't give up for those whose hope is in the Lord shall be given renewed strength.

(3-18-11)

Untitled and Unfinished

Glass warped, a house of fun.
Lack of sun cast shadows bright.
And all I see is me
With no chance of the Great Light.
Looking into the glass,
Mostly dark are the days.
And it hurts the most because
What I desire isn't holding my gaze.
Blue eyes stained black cast cold glances.
And when I dare-
When I take the chance...
Death entreats me as I stare.

So my sight shifts and
for a moment I'm fine.
My eyes briefly glimpse
of the Man so Divine.
Too quickly He fades
Back to the glass my eyes fall
Anger rises.
This is not what I want at all.
So I take a deeper look
locking my resolve
determined to take stock
of the problems I need to solve

A smile that's cracked
spilling forth lies and deceit
Eyes that judge
looking down on the weak
Ears that push
the mute button too often
clogged with whispers
of He who's Fallen
Disgust brims over
into salf flavored twin rivers
My anger shakes me
and my reflection looking at me shivers

It's then I realize
I'm holding the glass tightly
my hands bound to the frame
white knuckles not budging slightly.
In shock I convulse in agony.
A deep-retching groan
starting and resounding
from somewhere within my very bone.
"This is not what I want!"
I yell-falling to my knees.
"Remove what is before me!"
I gasp for clean air to breathe.
A scream rips through my throat.
I slam the glass into the floor.
Over and over, repeatedly, once more.
Til my knuckles are bloody and sore.
Still my hands do not let go.
In despair, I sit and cry.
Droplets fall off my chin, splashing on broken glass.
I can't do this, I realize.

Then calloused, warm hands cover mine
Gently they release my pain-removing my grasp
from the broken frame.
The same hands cup my face
and a soothing voice calls me by name.
I'm free from the power of the mirror.
In my gratitude I glance
to the face of my savior.
"What can I do for you?"
I ask, thinking of a song or dance.

A gentle smile.
A soft chuckle.
His arms wrap around me
cradling me close to him.
"Sit with me and just Be."

A word Picture

1-9-11



Sitting on a hill waiting, being still but by no means doing nothing. I am silent, my soul is quiet, my spirit actively listening, waiting, resting on God.

The wind begins to move. I feel my hair rustle at its presence. The grass surrounding me tickles my legs. Birds chirp and sing their song to the Father who created them-who takes care of them.

The warmth of the sun kisses my skin-tenderly caressing my face.

I sit. I wait. I am still.

The wind picks up and I can hear it whistling in my ears. My hair delights in a dance around my face, stray stand ticking the back of my neck and cheeks. Contrasting with the warmth of the sun, the wind takes con a colder feel, briskly brushing my skin.

Slowly the sun's embrace lessens as the wind wins its cold battle. Clouds close over the sky, covering the earth in a dark blanket.I am separated from the sun's warm rays and the center stage now belongs to the wind as it makes its voice heard loud and howling. My hair no longer enjoying a lazy dance but now thrashing around me quite violently. The brisk chill of the stinging rush of wind has my skin rising in goose bumps.

Off in the distance rumbling growls of thunder speaks to the howling wind, forming a conversation of a bitter, threatening kind. My spine stiffens at the approach of a storm and my soul urges me to move from my spot on the hillside.

I sit. I wait. I am still.

I strengthen my will, for my spirit is calm and remains wanting to listen to His voice.

My head jerks slightly with surprise as a cold droplet of rain splashes against my cheek. I take a deep breath deciding I really should move. A whisper cuts through the screeching wind--wait, be still...remain.

I steel my resolve, not understanding but willing to obey. My mind screams against the soft whispers as my spirit clings to the reassuring softness. My eyes close tighter and my spirit rises above my soul. I wait.

Droplets fall faster now, harder against my skin. My clothes are slowly soaking--the wet cold chilling down to my bones.

My body shivers, my soul screams, but my spirit remains still.

Thunder begins to drown out even the beating of my heart. Lightening cracks and I jump at the harsh sound. The wind rushing against me makes it harder to sit still now. My hair that once danced in the air now sticks lifeless to my head, dripping water onto the rest of me. the ground beneath me gets softer and I can feel myself sink a little into the mud. I'm thoroughly soaked and the wind is buffeting against me. Rain drops feel like small pin pricks now as the cold is determined to beat into me.

My body shivers, my soul screams, my spirit stays still.

And then I hear a song. Its soft, barely audible as it is carried on the howling of the wind. But I can feel the melody deep inside as it finds me. It grows louder- a steady build against the roaring of wind and thunder. Lightening strikes and my eyes jerk wide open. Scorched earth smells off to my side and my heart stills. But the song regains my focus as I realize I'm singing the melody. The song is within me and bursting forth being carried by the wind. Soon the rain slows down and I feel the clouds break.

The sun greets my face as a long friend who has returned to me. Off in the distant sky color catches my eye and I see a rainbow. It's faint but beautiful none the less. The wind has slowed and the rain has stopped. I watch the rainbow, grateful for its faint whisper of beauty. Do my eyes deceive me though or are the colors getting brighter? Maybe my eyes are adjusting...no the rainbow is growing in size--its getting closer. The colors are becoming more solid the closer the get to me. My breathing speeds and becomes shallow as the rainbow moves closer to me. Its rushing me now and my body braces for a crash.

The colors collide with me and break apart. Its a symphony or colors moving around me each having its own song or melody, some singing a harmony as they dance around me. I can feel them pass through me even as well as see them move in elegant grace around my body. Laughter bubbles from within me and pours out of my mouth as this glorious display of affection envelopes me with His joy and His life. I feel a healing presence and a comfort that I had not before. The wind is now gently dancing around me, helping the warmth of the sun dry me out.

My spirit rejoices. It was still and was rewarded. The storm passed and did not harm me, yet I did not have to lift a finger to save myself. I did not strive. I did not trust in my own soulish whispers but remained in the voice of my spirit. I waited through the storm and was presented with a presence of God like I have never known. A precious gift to me given by my Father, the Creator.

My soul screamed, demanding to be heard. Had I listened I would have missed it all.

My Spirit was still and in the waiting I saw the Glory of God.