Sometimes being sore is a good thing....right?

                Responsibility is a word I think about often. Sometimes I miss the days when I was a kid and the only real responsibilities I had were listen to my parents, have fun and do my schoolwork. Then there are days when I wonder when I will actually feel like an adult. I thought it would be when I paid my first bill. Yeah, no. Then I thought it would happen when I moved out of my parent’s place. Almost, but no. Then maybe when I finally got my own car and drove around a lot by myself. Not really. Maybe it will happen once I’m married…I’ll let ya know when that happens if I feel like an adult then.

As I look back though, I feel (and have been told) that I mostly carried responsibility well. It was just something you did. What I haven’t done well is take certain responsibility for my body in all areas. I was always a thicker child. Not really big but not skinny by any means. I got curves early. In school it was easier to maintain a healthy weight, I did sports until my illness took me out for three months my sophomore year of high school. In those three months I gained like fifteen lbs thanks to bed rest and steroids. Then my school got really small and was too small for many sports after that. (Private school)

I danced for church and that helped me maintain but I never really got smaller. I was okay with that mostly. But I never saw it as a priority.

Then I moved back home last August from two years in Master’s Commission. Things happened and I basically stopped dancing on a regular basis. My back started hurting again as well. Here it is a little over a year later and I’m disgusted to say I’ve gained about 20 lbs since being back home.

One day recently God cornered me and we had a chat about my responsibility to myself, to him and to my future family in taking care of my body. Not only is it bad for my health but it’s bad for my ministry. I can’t reach my full potential, I can’t be completely used the way God wants to use me if I’m not in good physical shape. I had NEVER looked at it that way before.

 So I had set a date and picked out this cool workout schedule alternating dance and small weights strength training (cause I hate running, tried it a few months ago and just can’t get into it, maybe I’ll try again who knows) and then the day I wake up to start…I have the flu. I know right? So now I’m having to re-motivate myself into wanting to do this routine. I started today and I am so completely sore, please pray. I’ve never been too big into exercising but when God put it into perspective to me it means something to me now. As Paul said, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. My flesh is really weak in this area. I have had issues with weak knee and some pinched nerves in the past. I have to be really smart about this and let the Jesus in me be my strength because I won’t be able to do with without him.

Or encouragement/accountability. So if you are reading this, every once in a while check on me, ask me questions and tell me to keep it up! J

It would help if I was competitive like my brother but I’m not really. So my focus is My Lord, my ministry and my desire to have a family. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Complete opposite sides of emotions.

Our emotional capacity amazes me. The Lord made them so intricate and our mind/heart is able to feel so many things at once. Especially women. That is one of our gifts, the emotions of God., we as women are his heart so to speak. That doesn't mean men can't feel a vast array of emotions so don't stick that between my lines please.

Last week was the launching of New Life Church's life groups. It was fun. It had a tailgating theme. Football team logos were everywhere. Photo booths were up and on full blast. You had a photo session and then it printed two strips. One for you to keep, one for you to pin to the life group board of your choice. There were so many to choose from. I ended up picking two actually. One meets every Monday evening and the other is every other Tuesday evening. I couldn't choose between the two so I'm going to try both out.

Last night was the first night for the Monday group, Heart and Soul. It's an all women's group (so it the other actually) and all the women are in their 20's. It was a great night. Mostly introductions. You know, everyone sits in a circle and goes around telling a little bit about themselves and then kicking themselves later cause the realized they forgot they should have said "blah" but instead the said "blah". So, here I am, listening to everyone and thinking that someone ( or more)  is this room could end up being a life long friend. There is potential for really strong relationships. I was excited. I was also scared out of my ever loving mind.

See, before Master's Commission, I made surface friends. I grew up in a place where friends left, or I left a lot. I didn't get too tied to anyone for the fact that I knew they would leave and I didn't want pain. Then in Master's Commission I was pushed to understand and make real relationships. The kind that are going to hurt but you know they are important so you fight for them. It actually took my second year before these relationships got really solidified. And then when I moved back home. I was stuck. I really had a hard time missing people. And the friendships I had before MCs just weren't there to try and delve into deeper. I tried with one girl but life is fast paced and while we are great friends, she's not exactly someone I can go to for advice really. Not yet at least, one day I hope our friendship reaches that point. And there weren't a lot of people left at my church at the time that I had relationship with. A lot had left. And the culture there is not about relationships anymore like it used to be. And so then My parents and I made the decision to follow God where he was leading us to NLC. I came to life again. I realized I had felt dead, disconnected despite the efforts to get plugged in.

At New Life it was home. It reminded me of the atmosphere of MC's. Of CLC. You walk in and immediately you feel like you belong. We started finding places we could serve, and we felt wanted again. That was Easter. However, despite feeling wanted and needed in the Church, I was still missing that intimate connection of a close friend. But I knew God had his plans and I kept waiting for them to unfold. I'm slowly making friends.

 This is where the emotions came in. I was sitting there at my life group, scared out of my mind because I realized that I was going to be opening my heart to these ladies. The insecure thoughts of "could I trust them" and "will they hurt me" and "was I strong enough to do this again" and several other questions raced through my mind. And at some point, a girl was sharing a story that had similarities to mine and I heard God's gentle reassurance. This was worth it. Because I risked it three years ago, I have some friends that I hold so close to my heart now and would do anything for. To add to my heart more people like that...it will be worth it.

Add to that scared and excited feeling the feeling of sadness. Because while I was contemplating these potential relationships, I was extremely missing my classmates. Thankfully, there is technology and they are only a text or phone call away. :-)

Sigh. Yes I just typed a sigh. Because that about sums it up now for me.

I am just about finished with a book, "Let Me Be A Woman." Expect a blog post reviewing that book to come soon!

Other side of me

Plug Alert!

I've recently started another blog and while I will still keep this one up, I will probably post in the other one more! And as it is centered around the journey of a great passion of mine, I would really appreciate those of you who follow this blog, to follow that one if you are interested in getting a peek inside my crazy creative mind! And spread the word to any one who might be artistic because I'd love input and for others to share with me their creative journey! Thanks.


Here is the link to my other blog. Create With A Purpose!

Season of Change

1. Ecclesiastes 3
   There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, ...

I can say that, without a doubt, I am in a season of change and of new beginnings. I have been in this season since moving from Oklahoma City (where I had lived for two years, in case you are just now tuning into my life) back home...with my parents...in Conway, Arkansas. That was this past August. Which was almost a year ago. Wow.

Anyway, it hasn't been easy. At all. So much has happened. It has been a time of constant transition. And I am not sure I handled it as gracefully as I should have. I know I didn't do it as gracefully as I wanted to but then again I have high expectations for myself. You could say that it was the beginning of my trip off Mountain MCOKC to the Valley of Starting Over.

First, there was the adjustment to living back at home with my parents. Yay!.... lol. No, I am thankful for this most of the time. But often I am hitting up against a wall. The wall of Adulthood. I am 24 years old, and have lived on my own. I have lived in a completely different state than my family, had a completely separate life from my family. I have bills that I pay (God always provides) and have had 'adult experiences'. I am, in most people's eyes, an adult. However, I am, and always will be, my parent's child. I am in their home and they still take care of me in some ways. I do carry my weight around the house, and do my share and more to keep up with the responsibility of the home. I do not consider myself a 'free loader' and neither do my parents. Yet, there are still times where that line of child/adult gets blurred. Usually, when butting heads against my mom. But I love her. I know she loves me. But its still an adjustment for all involved.

Second, there is the reinsertion back into my Church. Having been away for pretty much three years, ( I didn't go all that much the year before MCs due to college and a case of apathy) it was not the church I remembered. Staple people in my life from that church were now no longer a part of the church. God had called them away for His reasons. New people had been called into the body. People who were still there that I knew had changed quite a bit in the years I had been gone. So, in essence, it was like entering a new church. Because, in reality, I had changed quite a bit as well. I am not the same woman I was when I left Victory to go to MCOKC. And people didn't always realize that. I came up against the very expectations I was warned about. However, the Lord gives grace. :) I had a vision of what the Lord expected from me now. And so I met with Pastor Paul and Pastor Robbie. I wanted to serve the church and wanted to carry on their vision, especially the Generational Transfer part. After all, the congregation supported me in going to MCs so I wanted to give back all that I had learned. We talked and things seemed like it would go well.
However, it did not. Doors just did not open like I expected. So I dealt with it. I prayed, I waited. I sought the Lord and counsel from others in my circle. I was blessed in a having a relationship with a very dear man, Rick Cramer, who was doing the Sunday School for teens and young adults. He really blessed me both in encouragement and finances to open up prophetic art. Where there were no funds, he donated. It really blessed me and he has forever touched a tender place in my heart. Still, I was restless.

Ultimately, what it came down to was that God was preparing me for a bigger change. If all the doors I wanted to open had opened I would not have been in a position to open the door he was about to open for my whole family. Dad called a family meeting so to speak. Which is very rare in my family. He opened his heart about how he felt God calling us to a new church body. He asked us to pray with him about this and to seek God. So for a couple of weeks we did. It all fell into place. The Lord was calling us away from Victory Fellowship. It was bittersweet. Victory Fellowship is a dear family of mine. It was my first home church. It really opened my eyes to deeper levels of intimacy with the Lord and different facets of my life. It was where I began to blossom. But just like I had to move to a different garden for a season to do MCs, I was now switching gardens again to go to a different church. I will always love the people of Victory. And I believe I am still in covenant with the people of Victory. The verse that God finally had to show me to help me make the switch was Luke 14:26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple."  Now, this does not mean I'm supposed to hate Victory and its congregation. But it means I have to put God and his leadings ahead of what I want, or others expect of me. It was hard. I can't explain how hard.

So the third major transition is a new church! New Life Church in Conway is our new place of ministry. And the Lord has given me and my family a love for the ministry and it's people. God definitely gave us grace and favor. It is a breath of fresh air. It is where we belong for this season. And we have been with NLC since the Sunday after Easter. My brother, who has been with the church since he joined Cadre two year ago, is a vital  part of their Cadre program and the major transition that it is going through. My mom has already started working with the Little Life program, (for infants to five year olds) helping with their worship service part. And I have been given a paid position to run Blends, their coffee house. I just started training today. And it has definitely opened me up to get to know the people I am going to need to know. I feel like I have an inkling of why I am at New Life. But it will be a joy to watch God's plan unfold as he clicks things into place.

The fourth transition was my job situation. To me it was a small transition but sometimes the way other people handled it was stressful. I started working at the daycare that my mom works at. It was a nice job, nice pay, nice benefits and I loved what I did. However, it started to play on my heartstrings a lot! There were a lot of stress factors that began to build up and eventually I got the okay from the Lord and my parents to quit that job. It took a while but I found a temp job with a temp agency. But it was hard on my eyes, it triggered lots of migraines and in the end I was just not keeping up with their expectations and quotas. So I was let go. Grace was given to me for that, I was actually relieved! But then came the stress of trying to find another job. Most the time, I was able to handle it. I knew God has his reason, his plans were in the works. It was a game of do what I feel I need to and...wait. I only had one big bill, my brother's car payment and I had already taken care of it. It was paid off before I got let go. The other bills which were my phone bill and driver's insurance were smaller and my parents helped out and was able to babysit here and there. Now, I have a part time job with the church and it will take care of those small bills plus be enough to take care of my personal expenses. I may or may not try to get another part time job in the evenings if I feel I can handle it. But for now, I'm adjusting to the current routine.

I do believe this is the beginning of the ascent up out of this current Valley and onto another Mountain. Their may be a few more Valleys on the way but the Lord is with me, leading me step by step. And that's all I need.