Our emotional capacity amazes me. The Lord made them so intricate and our mind/heart is able to feel so many things at once. Especially women. That is one of our gifts, the emotions of God., we as women are his heart so to speak. That doesn't mean men can't feel a vast array of emotions so don't stick that between my lines please.
Last week was the launching of New Life Church's life groups. It was fun. It had a tailgating theme. Football team logos were everywhere. Photo booths were up and on full blast. You had a photo session and then it printed two strips. One for you to keep, one for you to pin to the life group board of your choice. There were so many to choose from. I ended up picking two actually. One meets every Monday evening and the other is every other Tuesday evening. I couldn't choose between the two so I'm going to try both out.
Last night was the first night for the Monday group, Heart and Soul. It's an all women's group (so it the other actually) and all the women are in their 20's. It was a great night. Mostly introductions. You know, everyone sits in a circle and goes around telling a little bit about themselves and then kicking themselves later cause the realized they forgot they should have said "blah" but instead the said "blah". So, here I am, listening to everyone and thinking that someone ( or more) is this room could end up being a life long friend. There is potential for really strong relationships. I was excited. I was also scared out of my ever loving mind.
See, before Master's Commission, I made surface friends. I grew up in a place where friends left, or I left a lot. I didn't get too tied to anyone for the fact that I knew they would leave and I didn't want pain. Then in Master's Commission I was pushed to understand and make real relationships. The kind that are going to hurt but you know they are important so you fight for them. It actually took my second year before these relationships got really solidified. And then when I moved back home. I was stuck. I really had a hard time missing people. And the friendships I had before MCs just weren't there to try and delve into deeper. I tried with one girl but life is fast paced and while we are great friends, she's not exactly someone I can go to for advice really. Not yet at least, one day I hope our friendship reaches that point. And there weren't a lot of people left at my church at the time that I had relationship with. A lot had left. And the culture there is not about relationships anymore like it used to be. And so then My parents and I made the decision to follow God where he was leading us to NLC. I came to life again. I realized I had felt dead, disconnected despite the efforts to get plugged in.
At New Life it was home. It reminded me of the atmosphere of MC's. Of CLC. You walk in and immediately you feel like you belong. We started finding places we could serve, and we felt wanted again. That was Easter. However, despite feeling wanted and needed in the Church, I was still missing that intimate connection of a close friend. But I knew God had his plans and I kept waiting for them to unfold. I'm slowly making friends.
This is where the emotions came in. I was sitting there at my life group, scared out of my mind because I realized that I was going to be opening my heart to these ladies. The insecure thoughts of "could I trust them" and "will they hurt me" and "was I strong enough to do this again" and several other questions raced through my mind. And at some point, a girl was sharing a story that had similarities to mine and I heard God's gentle reassurance. This was worth it. Because I risked it three years ago, I have some friends that I hold so close to my heart now and would do anything for. To add to my heart more people like that...it will be worth it.
Add to that scared and excited feeling the feeling of sadness. Because while I was contemplating these potential relationships, I was extremely missing my classmates. Thankfully, there is technology and they are only a text or phone call away. :-)
Sigh. Yes I just typed a sigh. Because that about sums it up now for me.
I am just about finished with a book, "Let Me Be A Woman." Expect a blog post reviewing that book to come soon!
